I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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