well we are all hammered and my parents are reminiscing about all the times they drove us home drunk from Christmas
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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