my cup is half full, half full of rum.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
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