I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
It was just a matte of pubes and mustard.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
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