And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
Well hey if hot cowboys are involved then all bets are off.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
