i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize
