So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
I licked your asshole in confidence.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
