its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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