we have officially lost it.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
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