I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I need to calm my uterus...
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
She told me to take deeps breaths and I said I said YOU FUCKING TAKE A BREATH CAROL IM SURE IF YOU WERE IN MY POSITION YOU WOULD HAVE OFFED YOURSELF ALREADY and she said my name is Becky 😂
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