my text book just quoted the cookie monster
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
Randomize
