He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
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