I can text with my tongue
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Randomize
