We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
