i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
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