i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
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