Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
you will always have a special place in my vag
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
You wanna know what I want to eat? Questionable Mexican food before I go drink. Makes for excitement. Will I puke it up or shit my pants
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I have peed in a lot of sinks
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Randomize
