the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Tuesday night just isn't my ideal coke binge night.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
If it's any consolation, I made really strong brownies yesterday and had 3 and then I saw demons
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
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