my phone needs a breathalizer
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
