I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
