i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
Randomize
