I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
