You're my little dorito
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
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