So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
But once you are just right and I work my tongue in the right spots and hot wax your balls and inner thighs. I will have you right where I want you.
Who is this?
Oops wrong number
Randomize
