Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
I went to look at my notes for my take home final and all I had written was 'you're on E. You won't remember a damn thing anyway.'
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
Randomize
