this is amzing! feels like my body is having sex with its surroundings!
Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
