I shampoo & condition my pubes, sometimes i wish my face was closer so i could rub against it cause it feels like plush
if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
That should be a holiday. like easter. but bulges instead of baskets
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
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