i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
