She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
I do remember getting hit in the face by an ugly one because she thought I was blowing on her butthole.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Randomize
