i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
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