i've decided that sluttiness is like a disease, it can lay dormant in you for years and then one day you go to college and with all the booze and drugs and boys and time on your hands symptoms begin to show then one day BAM you're a huge slut. it's like how izzie had skin cancer and it grew into brain cancer.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
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