the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
I have vodka and a slip n slide so of you could come over that would be great
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize
