I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
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