How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Randomize
