You surviving the open bar?
Super asto ex polenta omaha botad
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
