I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Don't bang him. The amount of Jack Johnson he listens to is embarrassing for even a white person.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Randomize
