apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Christmas on farmville was waaaaay better than my actual Christmas.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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