Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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