Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
