my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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