Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
On a list of weird places to get a bj, how weird is in the basement of a pharmacy
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
