Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
