Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?
how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
lost her for two hours. she was banging a russian guy in her car in the parking lot. he told her she was majestic.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
