I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
