You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Randomize
