Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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