Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
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