My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Come eat Chinese buffet and watch us trip on acid. It'll be fun.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
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