Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
DO NOT EAT ONE OF DONOVANS WEED RICE CRISPIES. I REPEAT DO NOT EAT IF YOU VALUE YOUR EYE BALLS
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
