I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
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